remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
