I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Randomize
