Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize