Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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