good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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