you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
