If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
