you inspire me to be a worse person
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
