apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
