After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
