I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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