I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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