i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
