The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
