I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
