"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
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