I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
