It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
