Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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