Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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