when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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