pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
