You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize