Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
