Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
