Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I can't turn off my feet"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
