And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
