she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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