She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
