My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Randomize