used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
