Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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