Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
