i love accidental penises.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
