Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
