never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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