Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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