Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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