I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
