We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
