I just made out with a guy for $7.
false alarm. still invincible.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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