Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
