Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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