The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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