I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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