You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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