He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
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