He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
