so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize