I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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