You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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