U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My balls are so social today.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
