Cold hands, warm shart.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
