i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
