just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
