Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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