So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize