if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
