If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
it was like eating out sand paper
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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