Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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