I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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