i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He passed out mid-signature
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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