No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
3 2 1 whiskey
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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