ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Girls should come with a carfax report
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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