I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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