Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
