She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
