Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
