he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
