i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
