I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
