Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
