I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
