Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
