How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize