this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
