dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
