i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Randomize
